I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
