I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
