When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
