I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
