Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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