Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
