She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
