she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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