wat bout pragnant strippers??
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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