how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
