i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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