I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
