I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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