we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We are all done wearing pants today
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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