Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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