I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
