i don't plan on having that self control this summer
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
