This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Fuck appropriateness.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
