I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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