It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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