Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
