I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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