Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
