Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
