glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
