i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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