im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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