the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
