Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
