Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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