The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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