You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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