In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
