I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
