so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
