I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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