Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
