Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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