So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
