and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
