Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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