She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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