gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
