Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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