dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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