I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
