so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
