your parents love me but you hate me
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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