Barsexuality is the new black.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
