my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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