Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
