this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
